13 Feb 2015

Take Another Little Piece of My Heart

I had another post planned for tonight. I know "planned"! But that all went out of the window because Baby45's bedtime stuffed it all up. Why hello there 9pm, I have achieved nothing but ringing ears due to toddler sobbing. I'll have to write the post I planned another day when my brain is not mush.

I just wanted to write about why I find it so upsetting when Baby45 is so upset at bedtime. Don't get me wrong, when he's being a whingy little sod then I tend to just grit my teeth and get on with things. But when he's properly upset - like tonight, it's just very distressing. He's going through a period of being scared of the dark. When I go into his room, his little body is shaking with sobs, he clings to me like a tiny monkey "mummy ...I ....scared...of...dark..." His little face and the pillow are wet with tears. Tonight was the worst - paralysed with fear, he was just clutching his duvet, rigid with distress.

In the end it was simple enough to soothe him - the blind (!) was the cause of the terror. I reassured him that the blind was our friend, we liked the blind, it wasn't scary etc etc And also that tomorrow we would make some magic glitter spray to make all the scary things go away. He seemed satisfied with this and was happy to fall asleep listening to the Gruffalo on Jackanory Junior.

But whenever this happens, I find it really upsetting - and get quite panicky for sometime after. It's definitely influenced my parenting and my (lack of) sleep training. I just can't leave Baby45 to cry - not more than the grizzly whinging sort anyway. I have spent far more hours than I care to count sat on his bedroom floor next to his cot, shushing and patting and singing and hand holding and keeping him company until he feels safe and happy enough to fall asleep.

And lots of other times where I've just brought him into bed with me as we've gotten so much more sleep that way. Also, I know you're not supposed to admit this but sometime I quite like co-sleeping. Yes there are plenty of times I end up on 3ins of bed with monkey starfished out across the rest, but there are time where he wants to fall asleep cuddled in my arms, his soft cheek pressed up against mine "cuggle mummy, cuggle". And in the morning, always a warm snuggly cuddle and dribbly kisses. Until he yanks the duvet off me "UP MUMMY UP! WANT BEEBIES". Brrrrrrr!

I know that this approach isn't one that everyone likes, but that's not my point. It's more that the reason I'm funny like this about his sleep is much more about me. In all honesty I am terrified that Baby45 will inherit my anxiety and my depression. I also am really scared of the dark (still now in my almost-mid-thirties) and have terrible, vivid nightmares. When I was a teenager I went through a phase of having panic attacks when I tried to go to sleep. This went on for several years so I lost a lot of sleep then. And I also hate going to sleep home alone and often dream I am being attacked.

I'm not going to post the stuff about whether various methods of sleeping training can increase the risk of mental health problems, because lots of people sleep train for their own reasons. But given the history of mental health in my family, when Baby45 cries at bedtime or is scared, or wakes in the night crying, all of the above, plus that, comes back to haunt me. For him to feel a fraction of the terror and panic I felt when I was younger, or even now when I am scared or anxious is really soul-destroying for me and I would do anything to prevent it. Which is what I hope to combat by how I handle bedtimes and night wakings.

I know that he is his own person with his own behaviours and personality quirks and he's going to be how he's going to be - I have to be careful not to put my own stuff on him too much. But I hope that I'm getting it right for him with what I do to soothe him. Don't get me wrong, he goes through periods of self-settling and sleeping through (sometimes both at the same time!) and even sleeping past 7am - the sleep holy grail! But there are times when he doesn't. Oftentimes there's other reasons for this - he's ill or teething or there's been a routine change (coming back from holiday etc). I know one day he will sleep fine on his own without any help from me - and I just have to have faith I'm doing the right thing for him. I know there's lots who would say things about rods and backs, but I just ignore them. If Baby45 is happy and calm, then I am too. And that's all that matters.

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building


7 comments:

  1. My eldest could stay awake for 24 hours and still not be tired. It was a nightmare and we just did what we had to do to get sleep. We would hold his hand till he fell asleep, sleep on his floor...anything. In the end he learnt to sleep alone but its hard and no matter what you have to do whats beat for you and your family. #mummymonday

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    1. 24hrs? Crikey! To be honest, Toddler45 was rubbish at napping and didn't do it on a regular basis until he was 15 months *weep* I agree, I do think you have to do what's right for you. It was hard readjusting my expectations of sleep when everyone else seemed to have good sleepers LOL. thanks for commenting :) x

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  2. Aww, I am so sorry to hear about that! I can imagine how soul-destroying that must be. When I read this, I thought of Luke in a year or so and what I would do. It would tear me up to walk in and see him shaking with fear and his little pillow soaked though - i'd do exactly the same as you. Eventually, all will get better in time and until then I suppose you do what you have to. It's not like he's playing up, he's scared and that's a real emotion that we ALL feel. I think adults forget sometimes that we all have fears too, and we probably had the same fears as our children once. I hope everything gets better soon. Virtual hugs. Ray xx @ lukeosaurusandme.blogspot.co.uk #mummymonday

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    1. I think you're right, we're often too quick to almost belittle children's fears and worries when in fact I think by taking them seriously, we help get to the root of the problem but also role model them in being considerate, empathetic and caring. If I can't make things better with a cuddle now, I'll never be able to. I hope Luke sleeps well for you and skips the night terrors stage :) Thanks for commenting x

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  3. A really lovely post. I can relate to so much of it. I could never do sleep training, and will never either for those exact reasons. As mammies it's our job to love and protect them and as you said let them feel safe when they're falling asleep. The world must be so scary for them. It's our job to make it less scary.

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    1. Thank you, I am glad you could relate. I don't think that sleep training is wrong per se, it's just wrong for me, I can't do it. I know it's my fault when I have minimal sleep and feel like I cant complain about being tired, but I cope by knowing I've done the best I could for my son. I know it's not right for everyone and Toddler45 is a particularly bad sleeper but you get what you get. Itry to make sure he knows that I will always be there. Thanks for your comment and understanding x

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  4. aw sounds like it can be stressful night times for you at times :( I can't imagine what it is like for you!!

    Sleep training or whatever each person does to help their child sleep is personal choice for the family and child. Whatever works best to be honest!! I sort of did sleep training when he was a baby carrying on what from the hospital did, he kind of had to self soothe. Safe to say I was blessed with a lazy bum who loves sleep too much. But in the night if he is poorly and wakes now at 4, I have to sing him 'hush little baby' to sleep but he is asleep before it even finishes!!! Got to do what ever we got to do for our babies :)

    thank you for linking up to #mummymonday - Love Gemma - host xo
    www.sunshineonacloudyday.co.uk

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