1 Apr 2015

The Alternative Approximate A-Z of CBeebies Shows

As per the title. If you're unfamiliar with any of these shows then either you don't have kids, your child is too tiny for TV or you're a Pinterest parent and this will make no sense. Also, this post is tongue in cheek (I can't believe I need to point that out but just in case....) Also, it's not a full A-Z, just an approximation.

A is for.....Abney & Teal. Let's start with a good one, I'll be kind, I love A+T. I especially love the poc-pocs (random name), the illustrations, that the voice of Teal is Shingai Shoniwa from The Noisettes and also that a turnip is a major character.

B is for .....Baby Jake. Er what the what the what? WHAT? I don't understand this show at all. Aside from this being a family with 10 kids who all live in a circular stone tower, those bunny rabbits are terrifying ("scariest since Donnie Darko" according to @bird42) and Baby Jake himself is a very disturbing flexi-jointed incubus. Just so wrong at 7am.

C is for..... Carrie and David's Pop Shop which wins the prestigious title of most annoying kids TV show ever. A survey of 87% of parents say they detest it.* The presenters were last seen on Fame Academy (The Bronze Age in TV years) which tells you all you need to know. Unfortunately Toddler45 loves it. I've considered disowning him.

I is for.....In the Night Garden, clearly written by people on illegal substances  as per all the best kids shows (cf Tellytubbies/Magic Roundabout/The Clangers). Featuring Iggle Piggle unfortunately friend-zoned by Upsy Daisy, Makka Pakka who has a farting problem which he blames on his trumpet and the Tombliboos - what they actually are/do is anyone's guess. Storylines include moustaches disappearing, random springs appearing and tiny people living in the woods. It's all unnervingly narrated by Cadfael. 

K is for......Kerwizz. Oh god, shoot me now. This programme is utterly stultifying. The catchphrase "Kerwizz - the quiz with added whizz" is the best thing about it. And that's saying something. Fronted by a guy who uses chip fat as a hair product. Even Toddler45 hates it.

L is for...... Let's Play, in which CBeebies presenters indulge in a spot of cosplay/fantasy dressing up and Little Robots which is actually pretty cute, mainly because Toddler45 calls it `Little W-obots`. 

M is for......Me Too. *sigh* if you are unfortunate enough to be woken at 6am you'll know that this is a programme featuring Balamory's odder relatives. Or that's what I've extrapolated. Most of the time I watch this with the sound off as i find that improves the experience (by watch I mean have my eyelids prised open by Toddler45 "You 'wake mama")/ Mr Bloom - have you been living in a hole? Do you not know that this is the green fingered kids TV presenter that mummy bloggers would most like to have feeling their melons? Or something....

O is for......Old Jack's Boat This series comes with a lot of supercoolness due to being written by a Dr Who writer and featuring Freema Agyeman. But mostly i snigger at the frequent references to the salty sea and Old Jack perving over Freema's mermaid....

R is for.....Rastamouse. I bloody love Rastamouse, especially the theme tune. I wish they'd do a remix of this In fact I probably love this more than Toddler45. 

S is for....Show Me Show Me. I mostly spend this show, and I'm sure some of you do this too, trying to spot Pui's bump, admiring her maternity wear and being impressed with her ability to get out of having to do all that dicking about on the floor show us her groovy moves.

T is for .....Topsy and (Fucking) Tim - smug middle class twins doing boring things. In one episode Topsy's mum was giving her mummy friend devil eyes for landing her in it with the smug twins after revealing she was selling their house. Given the current house prices in South London the twins don't need to rely on TV salaries for an income.

W is for......Waybuloo Actually, I love Waybuloo. it's so soothing and faintly....trippy. With all the floaty characters and actual children talking to themselves. It's supposed to be a kids yoga show, but again definitely substance influenced...! Sends me to sleep every time.

Z is for.....Zingzillas  - a music themed show featuring former musicians down on their luck(members of the Darkness, I'm looking at you ). And some animated puppets.  And a lot of enormous coconuts, which is a lot less exciting than it might sound.

I know, I've skipped a lot of letters. But this was always the approximate alternative A-Z. I think you get the gist!

Thank you and goodnight,

Stupidgirl has left the building

*Totally made up statistic

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com
Friday Frolics

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31 comments:

  1. Thanks for the laugh. You summed them all up perfectly, Makes you wonder what children's tv programme writers (and some of the presenters) smoke/drink/take before they write/take part, sometimes?? :)

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    1. Haha, quite! Where do they come up with their ideas?? Thanks for commenting :)

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  2. This is brilliant and spot on!!!!!

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  3. So with you on Carrie and David's Pop Shop! It's pretty much the most annoying show on TV, nevermind Cbeebies. Luke really isn't interested in to. In the Night Garden - spot on description there. ;) Mr Bloom...again, melons etc. Spot on. I love Waybuloo and Luke has all the books, although reading them to him makes me sound like I am also on the substance abuse train.

    Absolutely love this post, hun. Had me giggling and reading extracts to the boyfriend - he didn't appreciate it as much as me!

    Ray xx @ lukeosaurusandme.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Glad you loved it, I did enjoy writing it :) THe substance abuse train - don't remember that in CHuggington :P Thanks for commenting! x

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  4. He can feel my melons anytime bab! ;) xxx

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    1. *snort* I knew you were going to love this one. Think there may be a long line of mummies wanting their melons felt :P Personally, Andy does it for me :P Thanks for commenting!

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  5. Very funny! Sums up the bonkers CBeebies programmes brilliantly :) x

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    1. Thank you - they are all bonkers aren''t they! Thanks for commenting :)

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  6. Aw I love Cbeebies, my 1st job in telly was for them, this made me chuckle. LOVE Rastamouse x

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    1. I bet it was amazing working there, I think you need to blog on it! A fly on the wall style post :P Thanks for commenting! x

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    1. Excellent :) Thank you for commenting! x

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  8. haha! Our tot is little little so we haven't been introduced to the full schedule yet. I like Something Special cos I can kid on its educational and not going to rot the Baby's brain. He, of course hates it and prefers over animated nursery rhymes sung with Indian accents and hints of Bangra in the background.
    #fridayfrolics

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    1. I do like Something Special even if I do find Mr Tumble + his spotty bag alarming. Toddlers always like what you don't want them to, it's first rule of being a kid :) Thanks for stopping by + commenting :) xx

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  9. "Chip fat as a hair product" Brilliant! Thanks for linking up #Fridayfrolics

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    1. I swear he's dipped his head in a bucket of the damn stuff. Yuck! Thanks for having me on the linky and for commenting x

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  10. Haha love this! Totally agree... what were the people who wrote In the night Garden on? and Rasta Mouse theme tune is pretty dope we play it over and over on CBeebies album...brings me back to my carnival days haha

    http://motherhoodtherealdeal.com/

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    1. I think they're on specialist medication ;) Wait, there's a CBeebies album??? *goes off to Google* Thanks for commenting! x

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  11. oops forgot to add #fridayfrolics

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  12. hahaha! This is brilliant!! So funny!

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  13. Haha! LOVE the Topsy and Tim comment! #pocolo

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    1. LOL I was quite proud of it too :P Thanks for stopping by and commenting, glad you liked the post x

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  14. Still made me chuckle! Fortunately Bob is now getting to an age where I can temot her to watch a Disney film occasionally to save my sanity. :) Thanks for linking up! xx

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    1. Toddler45 is almost there, I can't wait till I can just stick on one. Although I have other issues with disney...*puts away soapbox* We loved Paddington. Thanks for commenting :) x

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  15. There is a mix of newer CBeebies programmes to me and some old favourites that Grace used to watch. Baby Jake started just as Grace stopped watching CBeebies - thank goodness!! BUT I love Carrie and David and their pop shop - one of the best programmes on there IMHO! Thank you for linking to #PoCoLo x

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    1. Hah, you're in the 13% that like it LOL, it annoys the hell out of me. I think you had a close call with Baby Jake though....thanks for commenting! x

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  16. Ha! Totally agree for the most part BUT Baby Jake is a fave in our house! We do the dance moves together and everything. Had a right laugh at Upsy Daisy 'friend-zoning' Iggle Piggle - great read :) #PoCoLo x

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    1. Well, there had to be someone :) Toddler45 likes it but I find it terrifying LOL The whole upsy daisy/Iggle Piggle relatinship is hilarious. Thanks for commenting :) x

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